Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Sometimes, in the midst of all the frantic and the busy, I forget that it is important to breathe.
I have been very anxious about school lately - anxious at how quickly the time is passing, anxious about finals, anxious about finding a job next semester and adding to the busy of my life - and all of the anxious has amassed itself into a frantic energy. Sometimes I can harness the frantic energy (some of my best and most creative work happens during these times), and sometimes I can't, and I feel like I lose control of the things I do and the things I say and the things I think. And then sometimes I spiral, downward, and out of control. Sometimes, I just feel very unstable.
The newness of college hasn't worn off yet, either. I am still just getting things under control here. I haven't quite fully realized that I'm living in an apartment and I'm going to school and things aren't going to go back to how they were. I don't want them to go back to the way they were, but I still haven't fully realized that things are different now. That makes me anxious too, thinking about the day that I will fully realize this. Life is different now, not just new.
I am getting better at grocery shopping, and I am getting better at making sure that I eat enough and get enough sleep. Because this isn't just happening for a few weeks, or a few months. I'm in this for a few years. And I want to be, I want to be in this. I am so loving college, and I am so happy that I'm here, but I haven't fully adjusted to it yet. It was a lot of new all at once - moving out, knowing absolutely no-one here, not knowing where anything was, and being in a school environment for the first time since the third grade (and I don't even really remember back that far) - and the newness is still fresh. It's only been four months, after all. A really crazy four months.
Thinking back on it, I'm pretty proud of myself for adjusting as well as I have. Before college, I was having a lot of panic attacks that I wouldn't be able to handle all of the new. But I have; I have handled it, and I'm doing okay. I just have to remember to breathe every once in a while.
I made these journal pages last weekend, during a huge burst of frantic energy when I was fighting off a panic attack with everything I had. It wasn't fun, but I made it. (And I finished all of my homework on time, just like always, which was something I was really anxious about.)
I am realizing, though, that I need to rebuild my base. At home, when I was panicking, I was often at home or with people I knew, and I could find somewhere to stand among the familiar. Here, I am having to find a new familiar, and I need to find some people to build a base with again. It's daunting and it makes me go right back to panic mode when I think about having to find those people. But people are important. Having a base is important. I need a base again, and I will build one, and I will be okay. Just like always.
Monday, November 18, 2013
I have some art journal pages I want to share, but I haven't been able to edit the photos of them yet, so they will have wait just a bit longer. Right now though, I have some gorgeous music to share. I first heard M83 years ago, and I definitely liked what I heard, but not nearly as much as when I found them again a few years later, after they had released the album Hurry Up, We're Dreaming. It's one of those albums that is perfect for when you're awake late at night and the Christmas lights are on. So haunting and ghostly and perfect, but with a few more upbeat songs to make sure you're still awake to listen to the whole thing. It's just fantastic and you should give it a listen. (And yes, it is 22 tracks long, but that is part of what makes it so incredible. At least give "Midnight City," "Wait," and "OK Pal" a listen.)