Sunday, February 23, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
So, here's the thing. Right now I'm making a zine. I've been working on it for about a week now and I love it and I think I'm going to call it MOODY TUESDAY, which is a name that I've been wanting to use for forever now, and I'm just really excited. But, as I was going to post about it, and talk about how happy I was, I realized how sad the zine is. I don't want to change the zine - it's a zine about struggling with depression/anxiety, and I want it to be that way. But lately (mainly this semester), all of my art has been really sad and touching on some heavier subjects. It's not that surprising, really, because I've been really struggling with some intense winter depression and panic attacks lately, but then I started thinking about my art in general, and I'm just realizing that a lot of what I do is sad. My art is sad. I've been through some shit in life, and it sucked, it still sucks, and some of this stuff I will probably deal with for the rest of my life. That's just how it is. But the thing is that, lately, all of that stuff, all of that sad, has been defining my life. I feel like my life has shifted, and become less that I have been through some rough times, and more that my life is sad my life is sad my life is sad. It's not sad, I just get sad sometimes. There is a huge difference and sometimes I lose sight of that.
I have been very happy, and I have been very sad. I will continue to be both. But I do not have to let the sadness define me. I do not have to be my depression. It may never go away, it may leave, but either way, it doesn't have to be all that I am. I am so much more than the sad, I am so much more than the anxiety, I am so much more than any of the rough patches my emotions go through. And the thing is, I'm actually a pretty happy person most of the time. I like to believe I'm a pessimist and a cynic (because I just adore the perfect snarky comment, sorry, I do), but I'm really not. I just want to be happy, and I want to make the people around me happy. It's just that I sometimes get bogged down in the sad.
There's a piece from a poem by Neil Hilborn that has been stuck in my head recently, and it goes, "The sad is my old paint under the new. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring." It's just the truest thing I have ever heard, and it's actually kind of hard to come to terms with because of that. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring. I think a lot of the time I hold onto the depression and the anxiety as my identity because I don't know what I would do without it. I don't know who I'd be, because it has been/is such a huge part of my life. It's a story, it's my story, and it's something to be and talk about it. That's the truth of it sometimes. Sometimes I want to be my struggles because then at least I have substance, as a person, as a story. I just want an identity and I just don't want to be boring! That's the solid, harsh truth something. But the thing is, it's a sad story, it's a hard story, and it's a story I need to move past to be able to continue forward in this life. It will always be there, but it doesn't have to be on the front page. I am more than the sad.
Anyway. The whole point of this is that I don't want depression to be my identity. It doesn't make the struggles any less real, it doesn't make them go away, it doesn't negate their presence in my life, but I do not have to be the sad, because when I am the sad I don't go anywhere in life. I'm ready to go places! Also, I am more interesting than depression anyway. I've been places, done things, have too many interests and hobbies and I have other stories to tell, and a world full of stories to listen to. Other people are more interesting than me anyway, duh. The other point is that I'm making an effort to make art that isn't based on depression/anxiety, and I'm super excited to see where that goes. That's all.
Oh yeah, and I'm almost done with MOODY TUESDAY. And I'm really excited. See ya later.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Well, it is the end of January, and winter is not going anywhere (unfortunately). I've been listening to a lot of summer music lately, but I've finally come around to embracing winter while I have to live with it, so here are some lovely cold-weather tunes to keep you warm (what? Ew how cliché is that): Swing Lo Magellan by the Dirty Projectors. It took me a while to get into these guys, mostly because when I first listened, I didn't hear what I was expecting, but now I'm in love. If it doesn't trip your trigger at first, try "Dance For You" and begin again. Beautiful stuff you guys.
P.S. I am on a search for good winter music, so if you have a suggestion, I would absolutely love to hear it.